When I first learned to use positive directions instead of saying “no,” my child was 18 months old. One day, he was running through the house, and I instinctively said, “Don’t run.” But then, I remembered what I’d learned and quickly changed to, “Walk.” He stopped and looked at me, almost shocked, as if he’d never heard me speak before—and then he stopped running. This simple shift made such a noticeable difference, and I’ve been working on changing my language ever since.
The word “no” is powerful and easy to use, but it’s essential to explore alternatives to create a positive learning environment. Instead of saying “no” or “don’t,” try telling your child what y
ou want them to do. For example, “Walk” rather than “Don’t run” is much more likely to get a positive response. Young children, especially toddlers, are still developing the neurological ability to fully understand negative commands. When they hear “don’t run,” they’re more likely to focus on the action word they know best
: “run.”
As adults, our brains are mature enough to process the “don’t” in statements, so we understand that “don’t touch” means to refrain from touching. But for young children, using clear, positive language helps them better understand and respond to our requests, setting them up for success as they learn to navigate boundaries and expectations.
Understanding Toddler Behavior
Around age one, many children begin asserting themselves by saying “no.” According to the University of Illinois Extension (UIE), toddlers develop independence, which can sometimes be challenging for adults. It’s normal for them to misunderstand directions or resist requests as they explore the world and learn to communicate. W
hile they may seem defiant, it’s often due to a lack of vocabulary and reasoning skills.
Why Toddlers Say “No”
Toddlers are just beginning to learn about boundaries and self-expression. Saying “no” or resisting directions can look like:
- Ignoring or rejecting a request
- Running away
- Switching to another activity when asked to stay
- Going against a rule after being told not to
These behaviors often reflect their desire for control over their environment, which is an essential part of developing autonomy.
How to Respond to the Word
“No” Positively
Adults sometimes expect young children to act more mature than they are capable of, which can lead to frustration. Remember, toddlers are still learning:
- Limited memory means they need frequent repetition to understand rules.
- Difficulty thinking ahead makes it hard for them to anticipate consequences.
- Focus on the present keeps them grounded in the now, with little understanding of future promises or time.
Encouraging Safety and Independence
While young children need guidance to stay safe, they also need opportunities to make choices. When responding to “no,” balance safety with independence by using supportive language and clear boundaries.
Strategies to Use During the “No” Years
Supporting children through this stage involves various approaches:
- Adjust the Situation: Change the environment or routine when a child is under stress, such as during illness or after a big change.
- Set Firm Boundaries: For safety, stop any harmful behaviors immediately. Use empathetic language, like, “I need you to stay close to me to be safe.”
- Encourage Cooperation: Give positive instructions, like “Let’s walk,” instead of “Don’t run.” Show children the correct behavior and make reasonable requests.
- Teach Words for Feelings: Help children express emotions with words, such as “I’m upset,” rather than using physical reactions.
- Be Consistent: Follow through on rules and routines to reinforce positive behaviors. Establish routines, like cleaning up after playtime, to create a predictable environment.
Additional Strategies for Managing “No
”
- Provide Choices: Offering options, like “Do you want to pick up blocks or crayons first?” lets children feel in control.
- Turn It into Play: Use games and silly voices to make clean-up fun. You might ask, “How fast can we put toys away?” or “Can the cars race to the box?”
- Use Gentle Redirects: Instead of focusing on “no,” redirect a child’s attention with alternatives like, “Let’s use gentle hands,” to distinguish between safe and unsafe activities.
Summary
Raising and teaching young children requires patience, consistency, and understanding. Creating a balance between “no” and positive direction builds a cooperative and supportive environment. As child development expert Penelope Leach suggests, think of every “no” as an opportunity to balance with a “yes” and every “don’t” with a “do.”
Kaye Boehning, M.Ed
Founder, CEO
Tomorrow’s Promise, Inc.
2817 Old Houston Rd.
Huntsville, Tx 77340